Children or Marriage, What Comes First?

Before Children
Before Children

This is what a normal day in our household looks like. Jonas wakes up, if I’m organised enough I will have woken up before him to shower and get myself ready. I put him on the potty (and continue to do so regularly for the rest of the day), get him dressed, we go downstairs, I make him breakfast. I wash up all the dummies and beakers he used last night. I empty the dishwasher, and then load it, whilst talking to Jonas as he has breakfast. I get him down from the table, he plays whilst I have breakfast. I quickly load the washing machine and prepare his changing bag. A neighbour might knock on the door and come in for a quick chat. We quickly rush out the door trying to get to a toddler group on time, but often running 30 minutes late. We stay there until lunch and then walk home super quickly to get back in time for Jonas to have a quick lunch and then nap. He wakes about 2 or 3pm, leaving me a couple of hours to spend some 1-1 time with him, do cleaning, hang the washing, prepare dinner and do any other chores around the house for which there always seem to be many.

Around 5 or 6pm I am so happy to see Alan’s car pull up in the driveway. Honestly, not because I am excited to chat to my husband or give him a kiss for all his hard work in the office enabling me to be a stay at home mum, but because seeing him walk through the door means he can assist me in looking after Jonas, or sorting bits in the kitchen, or putting Jonas on the potty for the 20th time that day, or just lending a helping hand. Just doing anything which enables me a couple of minutes to breathe and have some time off from being a ‘mummy on duty’. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mummy, but I think most mummies will understand, some days it is relentless and there is such freedom in being ‘off duty’ for even 5 minutes.

As I started writing this post, I was going to write about juggling things in motherhood, something I’m sure I will write about soon, but as I started typing I realised something. Sometimes, and probably often, my focus in my day is so much on my son, and my long list of chores or jobs to achieve, that I forget something equally as important. I forget something that was here before any of these ‘to do’s’ or ‘priorities’, I forget my marriage. I forget to give myself to my husband. I spend so much of my day giving my best to my son, that when Alan walks in the door and we go through the strict paces of the dinner/bedtime routine for Jonas, there is very little of my best left to give.

By the time 7pm on a good day, or 8pm on a not so good day comes, and Jonas is asleep in his cot, this mummy is knackered. Desperate for some me time, just to do something other than give of myself, longing to chill or zone out. I don’t really want to hear about his day, because surely it can’t compare to the importance of him needing to hear about the events of our day, the laughs, the new developments, the tears or tantrums, the accidents or successes of potty training, surely my husband’s tale of the day can’t compare to this, right?

As I type this I am reminded of something one of my close friends once said:

Our husbands were there before we had kids and they will still be there after

I guess the state of our marriage will be dependant upon the attention we give it during these years when it’s hard to give again when we have done so all day.

I think this will probably be a challenge for a lot of mums, especially in those early years when our little ones are so dependant on us. We can feel like we have literally given so much that we have emptied ourself of all energy, that there is none left to find.

Me and My Boy
Me and My Boy

If this resonates with you, I challenge you, like I challenge myself, to remember the one that was there first. To remember our husbands who have given us these precious children. And on those days when we literally feel like we have given above and beyond for our babies, to somehow muster up something else, to give to our husbands. To remember that when they walk in the door, although you may feel desperate for them to help, to take time to give them a kiss. Or when you feel like you have to tell them the events of the day because you haven’t had any other adult conversation within the last 4 hours, to remember, maybe they want to share their days events with you first. And when you hand them a list of ‘to do’s’, perhaps stop to think what this type of welcome might feel like to them as they step in the front door. Perhaps think that they may have had their own challenges or stress that day, and they may need a breather too.

And then remember this: we give to our children firstly because we love them, but also because we are investing in their lives. Don’t allow yourself to lose your love for your husband, but on the days that maybe you don’t feel it because you are so exhausted, remember you are investing in them too. Investing in your marriage, and when your babies have grown up, and flown the nest, your husband will still be there. And the success of our relationship will depend on what we put in now and how much we give to them now.

If this seems impossible, because you can’t possibly think of anyone else other than your little bundle of joy that is also a bundle of a lot of hard work, ask God for help. Ask Him for strength. Ask Him to show you little ways you can bless your husband, or help you to organise things so you have more time. Because the same is true of our children and our husbands; what we put in in the early years, most definitely effects what we get out in the later years. Decide that what you get out of your marriage in years to come, will be good!

5 thoughts on “Children or Marriage, What Comes First?

  1. I would say that whilst everything you said is true, it is equally important for husbands (as hard as it is) to understand and appreciate that this is just a phase in life that will pass quicker than we realise at the time, and that whilst yes they do still need our love and attention, they are not as dependant on us as our young. Every stage in a child’s life requires different needs and when we decide to have children – both husband and wife need to understand that a lot of sacrifices have to be made including time & energy. Nothing can prepare people for the reality that is parenthood in my opinion – but the rewards are well worth the sacrifices.
    God bless your family xxx

  2. Whilst your advice is all very nice and cosy I can’t help wondering how many babies you have. Try managing 4 children a 7 and a 6 year old and a 2 and 1 year old respectively; a business and a severely disabled partner. I did and after 30 years we still love one another. So my advice is toughen up and stop moaning about how hard your day is. If your husband really loves you he will still love you in another 30 years no matter what. God is good and we all need His love, help and blessings.

    1. Hi Susan, thanks for your comment. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

      You’re right, I only have 1 child at the moment and I have no doubt things become much harder the more children you have as with more demands you need to be so much more intentional about making time for the important things. The point I was trying to convey in this post was that marriage is all about love and that involves putting the other person first. If I can continue, no matter what our circumstances, in trying to put my husband first I believe our marriage will be the best it can be. Of course this works both ways for him and me but I can only be responsible for how I am towards him. I’m sure there are loads of tips you could also offer having a much larger family than I do at the moment. Thanks for reading xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *