The last time…

Last time
Photo credit: Flo Westbrook

How could I have missed it? I was feeling so unwell but still how could I miss the last time. That precious moment that I can never, ever get back. I felt genuinely sad. It made me wonder, had I missed other precious ‘last time’ moments without even realising it and what else are we currently walking through that may also be the last time.

This is how I felt 10 weeks back. I’d been hit hard with a virus and was feeling pretty rough so asked Alan to take our boy to Playschool. The next day I felt the same and so Alan did the Playschool run again; it meant I could grab a few extra hours sleep in the morning and then I’d collect him later on. But it wasn’t until later that day that it hit me, this was his last day at Playschool before starting school in September. It was the last Playschool walk I could ever do and I had missed it. How had I not realised? I’d never get it back.

This may seem a little thing but it’s funny how having a second child has made me really start to realise just how quickly they grow up. My baby boy, who not so long ago I cradled in my arms was imminently about to start school and I’d missed this last milestone of Playschool. Ok I’d done pretty much all the other Playschool runs over the last 1.5 years but this one was his last and we’d never get to do it again. Never again walk that route together, never chase him through the park as we raced there together, never talk about what fun things he might do at Playschool that day. It was gone without even a second glance.

It’s funny how little things can seem so mundane and normal so much so that it’s easy to take them for granted until suddenly they pass without any warning. We can find ourselves so engrossed in our season that we are walking through with all it’s challenges or distractions that it can be so easy to forget to look the beauty and enjoy it for all it’s worth.

It got me to thinking I wonder what other ‘last time’s’ have passed without me realising it in the moment. What other last time’s could we be living through even now?

A little perspective is a very powerful thing… it makes me stay in that moment a little longer, cherishing a little more.

Me and my son used to have a habit when he was little. He’d wake from his daytime nap and was still sleepy. I’d bring him downstairs, still in his sleeping bag, put on his favourite TV show with him on my lap and we’d cuddle. He would me melt into my arms and as we watched I’d kiss his head. I loved those precious moments when my little man would sit and be still with his Mummy. And yet now, in his independence, he would rather sit in his own space and watch with me in the chair next to him. He still wants me there, but not for those cuddles on my lap that I used to love. When did it stop? I can’t even remember. I wish I had known when it was that precious last time so I could make more of it. Stop a little longer, cuddle even more.

A little perspective is a very powerful thing. As I go through the everyday things like breastfeeding my daughter or rocking her to sleep in my arms, as I play with those little Fireman Sam figures my son loves and read books with him snuggled on my lap, I wonder could this soon be the last time. I like to think we’ve got more precious moments like this before they grow a bit more but while I think on this it makes me stay in that moment a little longer, cherishing a little more, because one day, perhaps soon, there will be another ‘last time’. x

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